Searching for Something

It is the beginning of a new year and my life has completely done a 180. Still, arent we all looking for a deeper meaning to life or a better way to do things in the wake of a new year. I am always doing that. I tell myself just to stop and listen...meditate, and the answers will come. Instead I just keep searching, not making very good use of my time, procrastinating, and complaining. I hear and read all about these people's journeys with Meditation for 30 days and what it can do. Why don't I discipline myself to do this? I did not even so much as create a new year's resolution for 2010. I have lists of stuff in my head, sure but you know how I feel about lists. I guess I am just looking for some kind of peace in this adjustment period I am in. I am also looking for a healthy balance, between kids, school, and a rather new(lets be honest here) relationship. I am also looking to find where I fit into his world, his family, friends, his home, his town, etc. I am a true believer in time, and know that it will save me. Time heals and turns mountains into hills. The tendency during the last few weeks for me though is too just concentrate on how I feel, what I am going through, what I have given up, and what I have changed. Lets face it, we live in a very "I" society. I really don't want this to consume me though. Sure there are things that I need to do but I want my life to be more. I have spent to much time.......waisted. Thats a harsh word and I don't mean it towards anyone but lets face it......"I" waisted it! With my choices, I waisted it. With my laziness, I waisted it. With fear, I waisted it. Its no one else's fault. So with that being said, I am sick of "I". Sick of waisted time. "I" want more!!! While reading a blog I found the best quote:I need anything other than myself to fill up portions of my everydays. Wow is that not deep. How do you achieve that? Obviously years of practice. We have to step out of our own heads and think about others. We have to figure out what makes the important people in our lives tick. What makes them happy, and what you can do to make them happy. I truly believe this is the way to accomplish happiness ourselves. Take ownership of our actions, and stop being some damn selfish. I am a selfish being....always have been. It doesnt work. In fact I am learning that more than ever now. To find yourself starting over at 30 is a big deal. Where did I spend the last 10 years of my life? I literally am starting where I should have at 18. School full time, thinking about career goals for the future, new relationship. Not to mention a house, laundry, and 3 kids to take care of. This is scary territory. I don't have time to be selfish. I got to give my all everyday. Why? Because I want to succeed this time. I want to be successful in school, work, home, and relationship. I want this relationship to be the one. I am not willing to have anything less. My love always says....he wants it all, and when he is talking about us he says like Johnnny and June. I heart that so much, but you know what? Its going to take both of us busting our asses to get it there. It takes work, every flipping day it takes work. We are both self-proclaiming relationship challenged individuals and we have the papers to prove it.

All Im trying to say(before I got all carried away) is "I'm here, I am not leaving, I am willing to change, I am willing to give my behavior a closer look, and I am going to succeed."

Because loves..........I want it all too!





Reading this article is a must......
read here