Saturday, January 05, 2008

365 days......and still I count

This is the 365th day that my husband has been gone. And do not say that those 2 weeks he came home count! Well they count, but you can not believe how they fly by. All you try to do is calm down, breathe , and find some joy in them.....and then they are over. Chris texted me this morning. Its already the dreaded January 6th there for him. His text said " Do you know what you were doing 1 year ago" , I said "yep, freezing my ass off , holding you, saying goodbye". I will be thinking about it in the morning when it is January 6th here for me, but I will try and concentrate on the fact that the year is gone! And we made it.
I will talk about the emotions of the night before though. How do you say goodbye? How do you squeeze all the hugs and kisses into a night and know that it will be so long before you can do it again? How do make sure you say all the things that are in your head? How do you memorize a person, and hope it is enough? I don't have answers to these questions, I just know that you do the best you can, and that is will never be enough. There is no way it can ever be enough. So I sit here tonight and let those emotions flood over me, and I realize how far I have come. No one can ever get used to this life. It will never get easier. Being away from the person that makes you whole for years at a time will never be normal. But I do not want another life. Being married to Chris is the best thing that ever happened to me. And I will take what I can get. I will wait for him. I will make the most of the time we are together. I will smother him with hugs,kisses, and "I love you's" whenever I can. No it will never be enough but I will just continue to do the best that I can.

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