Tuesday, February 23, 2010

FP or Bust.........

Got some mixed emotions today.  I am headed to FP for my midterm.  What is it about that place that makes you not want to go back? Maybe its just me. Perhaps its the fact that I got out and I don't want to be reminded of all the things I associate with it.  Not my parents, not him, not the divorce.......none of it.  I have really been struggling with some things lately and I guess (and its a seriously bad time for this) I have been doing some grieving.  Grieving for life, the past, people.  See I realize that for the last 3 years I have not slowed down one bit.  I just kept going and never stopped long enough to check my feelings.  I always felt if I kept busy then none of those emotions that nip at your heart have a chance to take over.  So I stayed busy.......for 3 years.  I never stopped.  Not through the deployment, not through my grandfathers death, not through the move, not through the fussing, the fighting, the love, the hate, the divorce, through meeting other people, going back to work, starting school and feeling like it was all going to fast!  See I never stopped. Not until now.  Now I have stopped.  I have silence, sometimes uncomfortably so.  I have time alone and no where to go and thats exactly what I needed.  My mind is not so busy.   I lived a lifetime worth in the last 3 years.  I look at pictures of my children when we first moved here and my heart aches at where the time has gone.  Kendal is the age that Rye was when we moved to Alabama.  She was just barely out of diapers!  Anyway, I have rambled on and got caught up in emotions this morning but that seems to be happening so much lately.  I have more to write on the subject , but it will have to wait.  Have to get packed up and ready to leave this morning.  I will say this.  If I needed answers to any questions or reserves I had about moving here.....I think I am finding them.  The past makes me ache....but I feel a slow heal coming on.  Its going to take alot of time but I know that one day it will not hurt anymore.  One day it will just simply be the past and I can look back and not cry for all the things that I went through but be thankful for all the life I had and where I have come to. 

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