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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Pour your Heart out: Running

Today I am going to pour my heart out about something that has been bothering me all week.  Running.  I found running 4 years ago.  I was going through a hard time with deployment and moving and dealing with it all.  I was down and depressed and decided the only way to get out of it was to get moving.  My motives at first were simply to get some weight off, but soon it became more.  Soon I got the fever.  I slowly worked my way up to 2 miles, then 3, then more.  I ran for time, I ran for distance, I ran for life.  I became happy.  I found myself.  I found something I was good at.  I had always longed to be a athlete and had always been very active, but it was not enough.  I signed up for my first race.  It was a 10k.  The Cotton Row in North Alabama.  My cousin who had been a runner since we were children decided to run with me and I was ecstatic.....until I got Bronchitis and training came to a halt.  Of course I soildered through and made it to the race.  That day was amazing and I will never forget how it felt to cross that finish line 6.2 miles later.  I did it. 

Over the years I went on to run many races all of which were 5k's and 10k's.  I trained a few friends along the way and found so much reward in it that I decided to go back to school.  Athletic Training was a dream of mine for so long and then life happened.  Marriage, kids......etc.

  Well life changes and dreams don't wait.

  I am in school full time now and there are days that I want to throw the books away and quit, but I don't.  I keep going and I keep telling myself to ignore the voices that say "I can't".  There is one thing that has taken a back burner in my life though and that is running.  I saw it slowly drifting away last fall and then this spring it has disapeared.  I still get out there everynow and then but I am so out of shape with it and that only frustrates me more. 
Over the holidays I moved in with J and that is 4 hours away from the previous location and a very good friend.  She was my running partner and a great motivator.  The area around here is not the best in the world for running and I have not found my niche yet.   Another dear friend of mine and person that I trained moved away as well.  She moved North and I moved South.  Though apparently I have let myself get off track where as she did not. 

I could come up with a thousand excuses.....new relationship, moving, 3 kids, staying at home again, school.....yada, yada, yada.....but they are just excuses.

So these two great friends that I have and love so completely and dearly......ran a race this past weekend. 
The first half marathon.
We were all supposed to do it together.
We are the 3 pack of HoHo's.

I was not there. 
I could not be, I had not been training.  I could not run a mile let alone 13.1. 
Of course these girls blew my phone up all weekend and wanted to talk and me to be there anyway.
  Thats what best friends do. 
And I turned my phone off.
I could not handle the tears.
I did not want to feel anymore disappointment in myself that I already felt. 
Frustrated
Embarrassed
Angry
and
Disappointed!

I have no one to blame but myself.

But just in case you think I did not care

I am so proud of the two of you
I love you
and
I swear, I will make there.
I am sorry I let you down but mostly that I let myself down. 

The 3 pack of Ho's will run again. 

Juliet, Bry, and Misti
HoHo's







4 comments:

Jenny said...

I like you used to run all the time and would love to get back into it but like you said life has happened.
But I have to think your friends are super supportive and you guys can do some online encouragement to get going again. Setting goals and taking a little time for yourself sounds good...think i need that too!

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Hey, Bry, I was a serious runner for many years. It was how I defined myself, basically. Then, as with you, life happened. I became a single mother, went back to school to finish my degree, went from being an at home Mom to working full time. Something had to give. It was running. It happens. Don't beat yourself up over it, although I know, easier said than done. I still regret letting it go but first, something did literally have to go and I do not regret the education that allowed me to give my kids a more secure life or the work experience that got me to where I needed to be. Running was for me. Everything else I did was for all of us. Second, I know it is still there. I know even though it has been more than 10 years since I've run regularly, I could still put on my sneakers, open the door, and start moving. I think I'll start with a walk, though:-) It is still there for you, too. Don't waste time with regret. Congrats to your friends, and they obviously are missing their missing ho ho. Or is it technically a ho? And why three pack ho hos anyway?

Shell said...

Things do get in the way of what we want to do. I love your determination, though, in wanting to get back into it and keep going!

Thanks for linking up!

Beth said...

Awww Bry! You can and WILL do it again! :) Hugs, girlie!