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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Pour your heart out Wednesday: All things come to an end


The end of the school year always brings mixed emotions for me.  On one hand I always am excited about Summer.  The activities, the trips, no homework........etc.  I am not a morning person and I usually drag myself out of bed, waking my kids up too late, and scrambling to the school just in time.  Yes, I usually have my running shoes in hand because somewhere between home and the school I will wake up enough to feel like I should run, and on the days I actually do talk myself into doing it I feel pretty good.  Lets face it though I would rather sleep.  My kids are old enough to be self sufficient  in the mornings and this gives me plenty of extra snooze hits and this will only be better in the summer.  I totally boycott alarms in the summer. Who ever heard of such a thing.  Yet......as much as I look forward to the summer months, I always feel like something is ending.  I can't quite scratch the surface on why and I said as much to J the other night.  I was signing some papers of K.K.'s and looking at what all I need to take care of here in the last week of school when he said..."why so down."  I told him nothing really just "always feel like its an ending to something, maybe its K's kindergarten graduation." J says "Really, I always feel like something is just beginning" with a big smile on his face.  Hmm.....so Im the gloomy gus in the house.  Its true I definetly am a glass half empty person.  I do not mean to be and I am no Eeyore but I have just been down lately.  I have been living here for 5 months and sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself.   I know I will figure it out its just one of those times in my life.  I am not unhappy.  I am not sad.  I am just not bouncing with overwhelming excitement!  <---It was hard to even write that sentence.  For one thing my school is finished and since I have decided to take the summer off and transfer colleges, well I don't have any deadlines or things to be working on.  I totally used to love scrapbooking but miss having friends around that liked it too.  AND.  It seems completely overwhelming when you have not done it in SO Long.... Years people.  We are moving soon......and so there is some packing and unpacking in my future.  I am definetly looking forward to that.  Yet damn if I don't hate to move.  Of course I did not exactly move in here and bring alot of stuff or unpack alot of stuff.  Most of it is still out in boxes.  I can take simple living to a whole other existence. 

So I have totally gotten way off hand.  What I totally meant to talk about was K and Kindergarten graduation.  Its Monday.......and I am way sad.  I really am.  I told her to stop growing!  She said she did not have a hand in it....God was making her do it.  Hmpf.  How do you reason with that?  I guess some memories have come flooding back to R's Kindergarten graduation.  My life was in total unbalance then.  We had just moved to Alabama a few months prior and the kids dad was overseas.  We were living with my parents....Gag, spew, hiss.........I soon moved out and got an apartment of my own until he returned.  Then we would promptly move back to AZ.  Well If you know anything about me.....that did not happen because he came back, we decided to stay in AL, we seperated, divorced, I met J......and life completely changed....

R is now finishing the 3rd grade.  It just seems like it was yesterday when I was there.  It was a tearfull day because daddy was missing it.  He could not help to being overseas.  Fast forward to this week.  Daddy is not going to make it to K's.........and it is breaking my heart.  If you know me at all you will know that I am very good friends with the kids dad.  I was shocked to hear him say he was not coming.  He is military  and sometimes the military would have you believe that there is no other business outside of.....well business.  This was one of our problems.  So Chris is returning to work this week from a 5 week school his has been at.  He told me he would not be able to make it down for the graduation because his desk is piled so high for not being there so long.........excuse me while I take a deep breath.  Okay, I understand......we live 4 hours away from each other and its a 30 minute program, which he felt compelled to tell me.  I think his words were "well its just hard, because they are so far away".  I understand.  I get it. I did decide to move here but  something is just nagging at me in my heart and it hurts.  I guess just all those feelings of the things he missed while he was gone for 18 months still hurt.  I am extremely proud of him and all our military don't get me wrong.....but it does not take the pain away.  So I will go and smile and be proud of my little girl.  Still feels like something is ending I still feel that ball in my stomach and something tickling my eyes.  She is not such a little girl anymore, I have no more babies.  They are growing up so fast and I want to just pull on the reins and say "Whoa".  Its hard to look around and say "where has the time gone, how did I get here". 

Kind of had this song in my head all week.  Remember Talking Heads? Once in a Lifetime

You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
You may find yourself in another part of the world
You may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
You may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
You may ask yourself: well... how did I get here?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground



You may ask yourself
How do I work this?
You may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
You may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
You may tell yourself

This is not my beautiful wife!


Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground



Same as it ever was... Same as it ever was...

Same as it ever was... Same as it ever was...

Same as it ever was... Same as it ever was...

Same as it ever was... Same as it ever was...



Water dissolving... and water removing

There is water... at the bottom of the ocean

Remove the water

Carry the water

Remove the water from the bottom of the ocean



Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down

Letting the days go by/water flowing underground

Into the blue again/after the money's gone

Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground


You may ask yourself

What is that beautiful house?

You may ask yourself

Where does that highway lead to?

You may ask yourself

Am I right?... Am I wrong?

You may say to yourself

My God!... what have I done?



Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down

Letting the days go by/water flowing underground

Into the blue again/after the money's gone

Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground



Into the blue again/into the silent water

Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground

Letting the days go by/into the silent water

Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground



Same as it ever was... Same as it ever was...

Same as it ever was... Same as it ever was...

Same as it ever was... Same as it ever was...

Same as it ever was... Same as it ever was...



Time isn't holding us

Time isn't after us

Time isn't holding us

Time isn't holding us


Letting the days go by...

Letting the days go by...

Letting the days go by...

Once in a lifetime...



Well , Yep that song pretty much says it all.  Go Youtube it if you do not remember it.  I am going to move on and try to take J's advice and feel like something is just beginning. 

3 comments:

Shell said...

I love that advice- to look at it as something beginning instead of ending. Beautiful. :)

Thanks for linking up!

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

I'm sorry you're sad. The good thing about sad is that it is usually temporary. I hope you feel better soon.

SCMOMOF2BOYS said...

Feel better soon!

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